In fact, I might go so far as to suggest that many fear this experience more than anything else in their lives.

The homeless person at the side of the road …

The family member with a problem to discuss …

The co-worker with a differing point-of-view …

We go to such pains to avoid engaging in any of these – or myriad other – situations which just might produce that awkward moment … the stilted silence … the dry mouth and pregnant pause.

Truth-telling can be in short supply in our lives. Far easier to gloss-over, or avert the gaze. We “fail to notice” … particularly if confrontation may be required. Though it may hurt, though it makes us uncomfortable, the ones who step up and give it to us straight are the ones we should keep.

On the interpersonal front, I think the remedy is part education and part dedication. First of all, most of us have never really thought about or bothered to try and decipher how to approach & deal with difficult conversations. And secondly – the more difficult step – most of us simply fail at making the choice to have the conversation, in spite of the awkwardness.

Changing gears, getting out of our comfort zones to care for our fellow man engenders and awkwardness that is different and damaging in some very important ways. Whether or not you subscribe to any formalized (or canonized) doctrine, few of us who are sane will deny in-principle the laudable goal of charity. But is there anything which carries such universal assent in theory and so little practical application as this?

Within a certain spiritual vein, one of my favorite gadflys on this subject is Tony Campolo. I have seen him speak several times, and always left convicted – but not in a miserable, guilt-ridden way. A quote:

“I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.”

Giving of ourselves and our resources to others, even when – especially when – it is inconvenient and uncomfortable, is part and parcel of what it means to be human and also to carry the spark of the divine … whatever your interpretation of that may be.

Of course, there is the lighthearted, “fun” flavor of awkward … the teenage expression du jour. And apparently, Judd Apatow & Seth Rogen endorsed … “awkward” is now cool. Similar – I guess – to the outdated observation that it can be hip to be square.

Whether approached with humor or sobriety, the fact remains that within this discomfort, this disequilibrium, we discover who we really are … and who is here with us.

Running from this experience, avoiding it out of fear, is a tragedy … a compromise we can ill afford. We should run toward these encounters. We should seek them out.

Awkward is real.

Awkward is where life happens.

For ten damn years, I been sayin’ it!

Yes, Virginia, the college tuition bubble is real, and the cracks are starting to appear. This is one of the reasons I have never fallen prey to the “panic” I hear from a lot of friends & acquaintances regarding the future cost for their kids & family. (Those trapped in the current peak are in a tougher spot, I’ll allow.)

I can never understand why people seem to think that the price of certain goods & services can simply grow ad infinitum without any relation to the market and/or economy. The same rules apply, people. Reminds me of some poor idiot who tried to lecture me once about how his used PC’s were “worth a certain amount … and once they depreciate to that level, then they just don’t go any lower …”   Hmmm.

On to other news.

Newspace is finally breaking free.

The President’s plan for NASA, a key component of which is to turn access to low earth orbit (LEO) … that’s where the space station is, people … over to private companies. NASA will buy tickets on commercial vehicles in order to get their astronauts to the ISS. And before you get your panties in a wad, NASA *already* buys tickets … from Russia.

SpaceX had a perfect maiden launch of the Falcon 9.

For those that don’t understand the significance, this vehicle immediately lowers the cost of access to space by at least half, and potentially by an order of magnitude. This means a LOT for the business case of many space ventures.

Robert Bigelow is ramping-up to have a private space station FOR RENT (yes, literally) within five years. Of course, one can see how the SpaceX news plays into this. Further, even though the lower cost is significant, it is the simple fact of ACCESS that will make the biggest difference. Right now, a government or a corporation that would like to pursue space operations doesn’t have a PLACE to go. At any price.

That is all about to change.

(Sign me up.)

Well … soon it will be time for our Holiday In The Sun. Summer always seems to bring about awareness of untapped potential and fresh perspective for me. Change is planned … and then plans are put into motion in Autumn.

Hope may not be a strategy, but they are worthless without it.

Which is more important: connecting with yourself … being honest with yourself … “knowing” yourself; or connecting with others … serving others … loving others?

Is it possible to genuinely have one without the other?  Are they yin & yang?

Speaking of connecting, perhaps this is the year our culture will “make contact” with a sense of purpose, and begin to resolve some of the fear and self-destructive behavior endemic to our time & place. My, how the New Year always seems to give birth to such big dreams.

Given after all …

He loved the lucre, filthy & otherwise. But we all get cash from chaos, don’t we?

The Demas of Bunyan (and Paul) “loved this present world”, and so – it may be said – did Malcolm. A bit of Andy Warhol, and a bit of Marshall McLuhan, he never stopped being an original.

The Great Rock-n-Roll Swindle.

Like his unfinished 1978 film, you could say his life was also prematurely ended. It all brings to me a certain sort of melancholy, thinking not only that an era of transition is well-and-truly gone, but also that the figures & hallmarks of that era are departing, too.

Gawd, we’re old.

Spring rain.

Plenty changing with careers and kids and lives ’round here … so I’m hoping that the showers and breezes portend a refreshing new phase for us – and all of you. I’d promise to write more, but I’m sure posts will still be occasional.

Plenty of new-space happenings this year. Look for the first Falcon 9 launch in the next few weeks, as well as test flights from Virgin Galactic. Should be an exciting year in the ‘verse. Oh, and be sure & check out the story over at Neo Neocon. She has a great tale, and plenty of thoughtful dialogue.

Peace, out.

Basically the idea that long periods of apparently incremental change are marked by sudden dramatic leaps forward.

I think perhaps people age the same way.

As children, we go through phases where we seem to change little, and then suddenly, one summer …

Same for adults. That cousin or uncle, who seemed to never change, and one year, at the holidays, they become “old” seemingly overnight.

Of course, for us, witnessing these shifts, we experience disequilibrium.

The world tilts.

‘Passages’ was the book, I believe. Seems like it made the rounds when I was young. I recall my creative writing professor discussing different types of ‘story’ – one of which was “Rite of Passage”.

The past few months have seen the passing of family members, battles with illness and disease, and our little dears growing up. And I still can’t master the rhythm to playing and singing this damned song.

I’ve always struggled with change … from seasons to addresses to friends. My coping mechanism tends toward a melancholy that I have come to embrace – cherish? – as I take the time to “process”.  Funny, how our eldest, a child borne of the heart but not of blood, wrestles with the same burden; and all I can do is try to convince her I know.

Why is it that so much of the most beautiful in life winds up being found in the most difficult? I love Bob Dylan’s line:

“Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content.”

I believe I’ve said that before. Also noteworthy that the source of that line serves as some of the best food for my personal processing. (There has to be a soundtrack!)  That and a little Rich Mullins.

Well, I’m rambling, now.  “Processing” I suppose. LOL  Although I am continually reminded just how little I actually “know” (in the grander scheme), I do hope that everyone learns to take the time to appreciate these moments … these changes … these milestones. They are, I think, the rhythm – the beat – of life.

Each another’s audience.

I had this relationship once … it lasted years.

It wouldn’t be honest of me to imply that it was all bad, but at the very least it was almost continually co-dependent. Overall, it wasn’t healthy – for either of us. In the end, I simply felt used.

“That’s okay, man ’cause I like the abuse!”

(The lyrics are particularly illustrative. You have no idea how many times I have sung them while thinking of this relationship.)

How many of you out there have been in those shoes … where you know you should go, but you just keep staying? Like Pacino (as Michael Corleone) said: “Just when I thought I was out – they pull me back in!”

And perhaps that’s where the bitterness starts. You finally make a way out … and you’re free now …

Or are you?

Letting go.

Forgiving … ourselves.

For me, it isn’t like I am haunted  … at least I don’t think so.

But the fact is that I still have contact … interaction … and the thing I have trouble facing is “living” the idea that I’ve moved on, when I am forced into “doing life” with the object of my disaster.

How to get past that?

I suppose – like anything – it is a choice. A matter of the will. We decide to grow past it, or we elect to carry the burden … in a way, we love it more than freedom.

I need to think on this some more …

Oh, yeah:

And don’t forget – to give me back my black t-shirt.

Gilding our lilies.

I find it amusing when the professed enlightened among us exhibit the most obnoxious depths of intolerance and closed-minded behavior, particularly when they presume to be “among friends”.

When you find yourself a double-agent, the biggest dangers come from what you learn about both sides.

No one’s innocent!

Careening between bitterness and elation … a bi-polar carnival ride brought on by the curse of knowledge. Is ignorance bliss? Are our talents & abilities the gifts our culture says, or gifts more like Boromir’s misapprehension of the finding of The One Ring?

As Vyv once quoted on The Young Ones: “Who cares about life? Who cares about me? Not me, that’s for sure!” (Then he punches himself in the head.)

It’s not that I have developed a cynicism about humanity in general. People still perform the sublime daily.

One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes reads thus:

“The fact that the ship is sinking is no reason for allowing her to be a floating hell while she still floats. Indeed, there is a certain fine irony in the idea of keeping the ship very punctiliously in good order up to the very moment at which she goes down.”

But the more formalized our effort, the less pure the result … or so it often would seem.

Voices carp about “organized religion” – and more and more I find it difficult to argue the point. Not that I advocate “forsaking the gathering of ourselves” in community, but how much bureaucracy can our faith handle? Does it necessarily follow that a large enough organization (of flawed individuals) will eventually devolve into legalism, group-think, and the like? Is the meta-model a joke?

Lewis also said that the educated person “is almost compelled to be aware that reality is very odd and that the ultimate truth, whatever it may be, must have the characteristics of strangeness.”

Indeed.

There is a delightful essay here which I find academically presents much of what the man himself artistically depicted in “The Pilgrims Regress.” (One of my all-time favorite books.)

The one intolerance which I find acceptable – even laudable – is a refusal to deceive oneself. Truth (big or small “T”) is the only pursuit that ultimately matters, and I cannot long abide those who willfully refuse to seek.

Honest error over willful ignorance any day.

So I raise my glass to all who gladly stand arm-in-arm and yet simultaneously refuse to conform. Who understand the need to separate love for their fellow man from the compulsion to agree with him merely to thereby receive love in return.

Such behavior kills grace.

I think it apropos to take a look back and a look ahead … to ponder where we’ve been and to where we are going. (Anywhere?)

Just last week (almost hitting the anniversary) SpaceX – one of my favorite new space firms made history (again) by successfully launching a commercial satellite with a completely private launch vehicle. No government consortium required. It is noteworthy for many reasons, but not many people realize that SpaceX not only designed & built their own rocket from scratch, they also designed & manufactured their own rocket engines. The first new design in decades, and all privately funded – no NASA.

People want to go. Companies are spending their own cash (not just investors’) in order to make it happen.

Whether or not NASA still has the stuff they had in 1969 is not really the point. By taking the dream beyond government and into the private sector, we merely continue the necessary evolution that was both envisioned and expected two-score years ago. (2001 Pan Am Clipper, anyone?)

Although these things generally move at a slower pace than we early-adopters wish, I do think that humanity is about to witness another leap forward into space.

SpaceX is set to up their ante by the first launch of their nine-engine Falcon V later this year, the craft that will serve their contract to truck supplies to the International Space Station.

Within the next year or so, Virgin Galactic will finalize testing of Space Ship Two, and will begin commercial service providing private citizens the chance to be astronauts.

Armadillo Aerospace has a contract to begin providing suborbital launch services, Spaceport America has begun cinstruction in the New Mexico desert, and the Rocket Racing League will soon begin competition.

It’s a bright day for outer space, the still-dismal economy notwithstanding. Here’s to the folks who are making it happen!

So many changes this year, I cannot begin to count. Not the least of which has been my mostly-unnoticed absence from this forum.

Absence … absinthe … tasted some (the real stuff) a week or so ago. Not as hateful as I expected, and if I enjoyed the flavor of anise (which is nigh overwhelming in the stuff) I would probably find it quite nice. Perhaps my eldest (who is a big fan of NECCOs) will enjoy it when she is of age.

Eldest was also mysteriously ill a good chunk of the year. Situation seems to have righted itself (again), but no less-disturbing for the familiarity. Vacations, family visits, holidays … and a major career-shift for both of us principals. (She is now officially “Chef Walusis“.)

Don’t know if I will manage to write much more often in the New Year, but I do have internal 3G wireless on the new ‘netbook, so perhaps lunch hours will afford more ‘blogging. Hope that all of you are well, and that we all see each other (or at least write) soon.

So take a cup o’ kindness … and TTYS!

What a crazy, busy summer it has been. Lots of travel (for us and the rugrats), work, family, changes, etc. And fun. Plenty of fun.

Kids started back to school this week. We now have a “Junior High-er” (who will also be officially a teenager in another month). Pray for me. Looks to be a good year, with “The Arts” emerging as the passion of the moment. (Much to Mom & Dad’s delight.) Our budding poetess is planning on publishing a second tome this fall.

I know I have been woefully inadequate at writing. Seems like the “season of availability” I enjoyed for the first eighteen months or so of this space has left for good. And yet, I still hope to occasionally purge here, so it never hurts to check-in once every month or two!

My better-half is heading to culinary school, so that’s news. My day-job has also changed. Our schedules and time at home won’t be the same, but we do think overall the shifts will be positive. We really hope to capitalize on the new “weekend time” (since my old gig often found me busy on Saturdays) and take the kids some new places.

One wonderful discovery this summer: mint juleps.

I had never had the chance to taste one, though I had always been curious. I am blessed to have come to know a genuine Southern Belle. Gorgeous and genteel, she is also the keeper of some delightful food culture – including a great recipe for juleps. On a warm summer evening – relaxing on their patio in Kentucky – it took but a single taste and I was hooked. They may be considered passe’, but to this bar-tending curmudgeon, they are sublime. If you want the details of her secret, you will have to ask me to make some for you in-person!

So sip something cool & strong, sit back and enjoy the end of the summer. Hopefully I will be back soon.

Yet so many of us, so often, willingly surrender our consciousness to this weapon of mass destruction.

Some may seek the origins of our culture of fear amid the dust and twisted steel of two fallen towers, and I suppose the current wave has been fed in part by such violent change. But it seems to me that any society, any group, any individual can succumb to the trap of living in fear.

So often, traumatic events trigger an emotional response, prompting us to shove our cultural pendulum in an opposite direction. Our complacency, we conclude, has led us to this pass. “Never again,” we vow. Even when the actions are justified – or even correct – the Law of Unintended Consequences threatens to devour us in the day after.

“… but most of all – we (are) at war with ourselves.”

Terrorism, racism, immigration, the environment, the economy, disease, crime, over-eating, under-eating, religion, sexuality – I could probably fill this post with nothing but a laundry-list of contemporary cultural bugaboos. And as we pave the road to hell trying to fix these problems – or prevent them from impacting us or the ones we love – the first casualty is often our common sense, followed rapidly by our common decency.

We allow our fears of what might be to rob us of our capacity to touch others through what should be.

Relationship requires risk.

Demands it.

Commands it.

“A new command I give you: love one another.”

No coincidence, certainly, that Christ used the imperative when it comes to love. And interesting, too, that a commonly shared bit of Bible trivia is that the most oft-repeated command in all of scripture is “Do not be afraid.”

We fear many things, but at the root of it all we fear to reach out, to connect, to touch. We fear that our action will not be received and returned. We find safety in numbers, and it is easier to crouch at the center of a crowd than to step out alone and face fear. Yet it takes just one Rosa Parks, one Gandhi, to start a crack in the wall; and before you know it, CNN cameras are rolling as thousands tear it down for the world to see.

About ten years ago, the movie Se7en was a popular thriller for many reasons, including the story. The disturbing and grim portrait of a serial killer gripped many viewers, but what I found most enthralling was also very often overlooked by the people with whom I held water-cooler chats. Kevin Spacey’s intelligent and implacable character seems to have set in-motion an impenetrable chain of events – fed by the human nature of his victims – that, by his design, will ultimately result in the creation of a twisted tapestry, a masterwork of death. He seems to suggest that in some sick way, we cannot help but see the logic and inevitability of his end.

To me, however, what stood out most glaringly was that any one of his victims could have brought his entire house of cards crashing down, and destroyed his beautiful wickedness with a simple act of civil disobedience. Each of the murderer’s seven “judgments” relied on the victim to take action resulting in death. Of course, Spacey’s character threatened other terrors should they refuse to comply, but what if any one of them had refused? All it takes is for one person to yell “stop” – and the “message” is lost. The plan is ruined. Pondering the fact that anyone could have – yet no one did – that is what made this film work for me.

“Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd.”

– Bertrand Russell

In the aftermath of hurt, as fear grips a community, a voice – collective or individual – emerges, urging action be taken. “We must protect ourselves.” And most of the time, the community listens. Some will doubt. A few will even speak aloud their misgivings. “The needs of the many …” they will be told; in lovingly condescending tones.

The die is cast.

The pendulum swings.

Satan, laughing, spreads his wings.

I have watched, as people congratulate one another on their stalwart refusal to touch, to feel, to love. I have seen fear grip a community so thoroughly that no one dares risk closeness, connection, growth. I have cried as I saw the hope disappear from the eyes of others, realizing that their willingness to risk relationship would be unwelcome, misunderstood, even punished.

I have listened to the tears of a child, rejected and alone; when the fears of others would not allow comfort and compassion to overrule.

As Agent Smith intones in ‘The Matrix’ – “it is the sound of inevitability.” We cannot go back. And yet those of us who saw and enjoyed watching Neo’s transformation know, the next moment witnessed his refusal to comply. To, as the late-William F. Buckley said, “Stand athwart history yelling: ‘Stop!’ ”

“People have forgotten what the human touch is, what it is to smile, for somebody to smile at them, somebody to recognize them, somebody to wish them well.”

– Mother Teresa

I will continue to reach out, to touch, to connect, to love.

I refuse to let fear rule my choices and my actions.

The risk of relationship with others is a risk I will continue to take, no matter how many times the result is disappointment.

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”

Can we – as individuals – find the strength to live these words?

Can we – as a society – find purpose in something other than crisis?

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

- Frank Herbert, Dune, “Litany Against Fear”